Isaac and Lilian Njoroge
From Isaac Njenga, one of our boot-camp participants
Lilian and I have been married for 17 years. We have had our ups and downs but our marriage has been generally smooth. However, since last year, we have each become busy in our respective jobs. This has meant we have little time for each other and this has brought resentment in the relationship. We tried to talk a number of times but no breakthrough was achieved. It reached a point when we felt we needed help. As we were mulling where to go for help, I remembered the boot camp. I suggested to Lilian, she accepted, we came. Note that we are Ndoa facilitators at Mavuno Church. The journey for our second chance started when we shared with each other our offences. The session where we left offences at the cross was quite something. The best part was appreciating each other’s strengths. At the end of it, I was ready to start again. We also got to bond with amazing couples. The whole experience was fun. I would recommend this experience to all couples regardless of their stage in marriage.
A blind man is not disabled; he is only unable to see with his eyes. Inability is not disability. A blind mind is worse for he cannot see a way out of his difficulties and he cannot see the opportunities around him, therefore, he suffers.”
Written in 2014 by Sheye Hassan — Nigeria
On July 6, Maureen Down wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New York Times entitled, “An Ideal Husband.” Let us say up front that we do not often share the views of Ms. Dowd as we believe her musings tend to be on both the negative and the cynical sides of life, and as you know, we take a much more positive approach when we talk about love and relationships. So what did she say that has us riled? Here’s what.
In her article, Ms. Dowd extensively quotes Father Pat Connor, a 79-year old Catholic priest, born in Australia and based in Bordentown, New Jersey, on his views about finding the ideal husband. In summary here are the thoughts of Father Connor:
1. “Never marry…
View original post 1,132 more words
On July 6, Maureen Down wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New York Times entitled, “An Ideal Husband.” Let us say up front that we do not often share the views of Ms. Dowd as we believe her musings tend to be on both the negative and the cynical sides of life, and as you know, we take a much more positive approach when we talk about love and relationships. So what did she say that has us riled? Here’s what.
In her article, Ms. Dowd extensively quotes Father Pat Connor, a 79-year old Catholic priest, born in Australia and based in Bordentown, New Jersey, on his views about finding the ideal husband. In summary here are the thoughts of Father Connor:
1. “Never marry a man who has no friends,”
2. “Does he use money responsibly?
3. “Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours.
4. “Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings?
5. “Does he have a sense of humor?
6. “A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.” The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive.”
7. “Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him.”
8. “Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being – the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous?”
Father Connor concludes by saying, “After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
On the surface, all of this seems fun – it seems like good advice. But here is where the Father and Maureen Dowd go wrong – while some of the advice seems good at first glance it has five primary problems:
1. It is not based on any research that would support the notions expounded by the Father (Some of the ideas seem plausible on the surface, but do not pass the research test).
2. It makes love sound like it is some kind of litmus test – some kind of quiz you give to the one you are falling in love with. (Trust us, a quiz of someone you purport to love about these ideas could be a real turnoff!).
3. It belittles and disparages men – it makes it sound as if love is only a one-way street (i.e., she decides as if HE has no choice in the matter).
4. At the risk of offending some of our readers – a celibate priest is not the best judge of what makes for a successful marriage.
5. And finally, on what basis would you judge his answers to the aforementioned questions?
We have studied successful marriage for over 25 years. We report our findings in our new book entitled, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage (©2008). Of the many discoveries we have made over the years, we know this – finding the one you want to marry is not as simple as Father Connor and Maureen Dowd would like for you to believe. There are no simple questions to ask or elixirs to take. And frankly, with regard to the eight ways that are suggested to find the right husband, what are those answers supposed to be? How do we determine the right answers?
More than anything, finding the one you want to marry is, in the end, a matter of the heart. We believe there are better ways to determine if you have found the right person to marry and if you will read our article entitled, How Will I Know I Am In Love? you will find out what they are.
Here are some simple truths:
1. Many men are shy, some are loners, and many are careful whom they select as friends. That doesn’t mean they have no friends, but could be construed that way by the unknowing person as just that.
2. Using money responsibly is important to a marital relationship, no question about it. On the other hand, how does one define responsible use of money? Remember, what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. In a successful marriage, financial decisions are shared decisions. The successfully married couple ultimately decides what the standard for responsible use of money is.
3. As to running someone’s life, what exactly does that mean? Do not mistake accommodation and acquiescence to your desires as a weakness in a man. Most men have learned to pick and choose their battles. More often than not, when it matters, he will stand up to your demands. Letting you have your way is not a weakness, it is usually a sign of respectfulness from a man. Don’t misinterpret his meaning.
4. Virtually all good men love their mothers. Big deal! And frankly, the old adage that men “marry their mothers” is in many ways true. Their mother’s nurtured them, loved them, cared for them, held their hand, and supported them in time of need. Men could count on their mother’s trust. The notion of an “apron string” is, in fact, mythical in most cases.
5. A good humor is a fine trait in a man. But on the other hand, dismissing everything important with humor is not necessarily a good trait. Laughing off things that are serious isn’t funny. Using cutting or biting humor in their interactions with you is not a virtue.
6. We are baffled by the notion that “the strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive.” Where in the world did this notion come from? Many men are quietly strong. Don’t confuse being quiet with being weak. Many men carefully choose their words, promulgate their thoughts before they speak, avoid arguments and heated discussions for fear of escalation. These are not negative characteristics. Sure, communication is at the heart of most loving relationships, but communication is many faceted. Talking is only one form. Remember, judge a man by his actions and not by his words.
7. It is true that it is very hard to change a person when they become an adult. And yes, it is a bad idea to marry someone who is not “a man of character” and then thinking you can change him into becoming one. On the other hand, imagine all of the men of the world who would have missed out on so many of life’s opportunities if they did not meet a loving, nurturing, and supportive women who helped them become a better person by overcoming their shortcomings. Lost souls find their way many times because of the love of a women. To suggest that women should run away from men who are still finding their way in life is silly – and destructive.
8. Good men do forgive, give praise, and are courteous. But praise for a bad deed, forgiveness for the unforgivable, and courteousness to those who abuse them or cheat on them, are not virtues. And sometimes, men use these “traits” to get things they don’t deserve. There are no black or whites answers here. In the end, the actions of a man speak far more loudly than his words.
Finding an ideal husband is not simple and there are no magic answers. The love between two people develops differentially, of that you can be sure. But in the end, being in love is the prerequisite to everything in a marital relationship. If you understand when you are truly in love all things are possible.
Love well!
“The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.”
― C. JoyBell C.
What’s your Baggage?
In almost every bridal Shower I have conducted, there is always this that features “Should I disclose my past to my husband to be? Or what do I do with my past? It was so terrible?” Others even say…”what happened in my past in actual PAST not to be remembered”. So I will ask you the very questions I ask every lady “what’s your baggage?” What is this suitcase of things you are bringing into the marriage?
I remember when I was getting married; I packed a large suitcase of the best things I needed to take to our honeymoon destination. A brand new swimsuit that shows the best of my curves, brand new Victoria’s secrets undies, brand new everything. Etc. You see it was the moment to show the best foot forward. I had quickly tacked away the old torn undies, the t-shirts -that…
View original post 664 more words
What’s your Baggage?
In almost every bridal Shower I have conducted, there is always this that features “Should I disclose my past to my husband to be? Or what do I do with my past? It was so terrible?” Others even say…”what happened in my past in actual PAST not to be remembered”. So I will ask you the very questions I ask every lady “what’s your baggage?” What is this suitcase of things you are bringing into the marriage?
I remember when I was getting married; I packed a large suitcase of the best things I needed to take to our honeymoon destination. A brand new swimsuit that shows the best of my curves, brand new Victoria’s secrets undies, brand new everything. Etc. You see it was the moment to show the best foot forward. I had quickly tacked away the old torn undies, the t-shirts -that advertised a popular beverage, and other oldies. To be totally honest, isn’t that what we do when we are “packing “for Marriage? Under our belt is the brand new Marriage CD on “21 ways to make it work”, Marriage books like Love and Respect, the cook books etc. These are all genuinely good and very important resources for marriage preparation However, what’s in your Baggage? That you only know? Or your family knows?
Before we tackle the issues of Baggage we will need to have a clear definition of what Baggage is so let’s define it. According to Wikipedia Baggage stands for “past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments”.
In April 2010, Jerry Springer, a popular TV show Host and Producer, Popularly known for the controversial TV show ” The Jerry Springer Show” which televised couples or individual who bare it all over marital scandals, parent to child wrangles, paternity test revelation etc. He came up with a new show “BAGGAGE?” This was a reality dating show whereby a Prospective Date seeking a date would be go through a series of questions and revelations all hidden in Suitcases. Each contestant would have to reveal their “baggage” to the prospective Date and therefore, possible win a date. Each baggage would have an embarrassing, strange habit or belief. This show though entertaining and somehow a stage managed affair pauses a very important question on dating and Marriage. Are there things we have in our “SUITCASES” that we would rather leave unattended to? Or even behind the closed doors of the past?
So I will pause this question to you…What’s your Baggage? Do you have past experiences that have affected the way you think about marriage? How about Family, sex and children? Or maybe beliefs that you hold so dearly concerning a certain ethnic group, race or gender that would affect your judgement consciously or subconsciously? Is it a past relationship? Or friendship that you hold so dearly due to commitment, vows, or covenants made?
So how do I identify if am carrying baggage from the Past? Here are some signs:-
1). Do you have secrets? That only you know or only your family knows about you? The secrets inhibit you from actualizing authenticity in this relationship?
2). Are you constantly comparing your spouse or significant other to Tom, Dick or Jane? The feelings emitted from this make you nostalgic or remorseful?
3). Are you constantly anxious concerning the baggage? Or leaving in fear that this baggage will be revealed or crawl back into your reality?
Are you unable to connect with your spouse/significant other spiritually, physically, emotional etc? You feel a certain distance from them, the thought of being connected to them in that manner brings anxiety, fear or even sadness?
If the answer to any of these questions was a Yes or Maybe.. Then you are carrying more that you should. It’s probably time to let go. So how do we let go of this baggage?
The first step in handling the Baggage is:
Pictures courtesy of google
In the late 90’s every young woman watched this movie( i know that is), we cried when Whitney Houston got ditched, or rallied behind Bernadine when she set her cheating husband’s car on fire! (girl power), or then Loretta Devine had a second chance on falling in love with a good, handsome and hardworking widower (Gregory Hines)our hearts skipped a beat with hers. The movie “Waiting to Exhale” is a typical chic flick,The story centers on four black female friends living in the Phoenix, Arizona area and their relationships with men and one another. All of them are “holding their breath” until the day they can feel comfortable in a committed relationship with a man, each of these ladies have had a rough time “nailing” a good man.. A man that would be faithful til death do us part, (not in case of Bernadine who was the picture perfect wife). Every girl is at that time understood what waiting to exhale meant. it was about holding her breath that one day this guy will come a long and rock her world and probably eat off her palms literally.
Every young woman is “waiting to exhale”, she has know for a very, very long time that her knight in shinning armor is coming to rescue her. she has been reading books like Cinderella, Rapunzel and the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs… each of these books is a damsel in distress! she needs a strong man to rescue her from all her problems, issues, and most importantly the Evil Step Mother! ( whatever this may represent to you). As she grows older, and hopefully wiser…. books like Nancy Drew, Sweet Dreams, Sweet Valley High( you can tell i grew up in the 90 s lol) are her next best friend. Each of these books have been geared to minister to the innate desire of woman to be needed, loved and taken care of. It does not matter where this girl grows up in.
As women there is a tension on waiting. Waiting could mean a lot of things. recently, I was talking to a good friend of mine, she is in her mid- thirties, successful in business, drop dead gorgeous and is still waiting for the ONE. as we sipped our mochas she sighed and said ” I am tired of going to clubs and seeing the bar scene full of potential,good successful men yet wasting away in liquor and worldliness yet the Christian brothers are” …..let me say ” Boring…”. Another recently exclaimed. “why is this so hard!” For each of these ladies the same question lies…What am I supposed to do with the Waiting factor. In a broader sense these women are not alone a lot are asking what does it take to wait and continue waiting? You will notice i choose not to give any theories or answers to this question. instead I choose to challenge every Woman in this boat with this. What should I watch for as I wait. What things should be in the foreground of my thoughts…
.Here are the 3 things we need to watch for:
One, Guard your heart, Do not be so quick to hand your heart over to just anyone. remember you are a receptor. You deposit within you all that is implanted within you, you incubate things..you bury within you deep hurt,disappointments, pains etc. that’s why you remember all things including words said during a fight in nursery school! So guard your heart, hide it in God until you can release it to the One..Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.Two, Guard your sexuality, guard it with your life, its easy to say..”I love him” or “am getting married to him anyway…eventually! as women ensure that you value yourself enough to give yourself to one man. (The Man). From my own personal experience, and other women I have been walking with, I have seen women in their youth live careless, carefree lives and later come back for counselling due to issue..leaking issues of mistrust, insecurity, fear etc. Remember,every man you “awaken” love with is a door opened of soul ties that unless dealt with, they will come back to haunt you later.Song of Songs 8:4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.Three,Guard your Tongue!. its important that we learn who to talk to, when to talk and why we should talk. We as women are quick to release all that is within us. I remember in my youth making promises ” You are my best friend for life! I will never love anyone like you… or ” No man will make me feel like you do” only for a month later to forget or move on quickly to the next fling as fast as the first.With our tongues we have make commitments, judgments, vows that are binding! James 3:5-6 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
Lamead Woman Network 